Title:  For Want of Sleep - Part 1
Author:  Lilac Summers
Rated: PG

10/19/00
Hey guys.  I know, I know...it's not "Vacation."  But, um, it should
count
for something, right?  Right?!

This is a short story, a two or three parter.  Set after the defeat of
Pharoah  90 in Sailor Moon S, it's dark waff.  Most of you have probably
seen the episode by now, but if not...beware of spoilers!  I really hope
you guys enjoy it!  I've had bits and pieces of this stored away for two
years and it finally jumped out and bit me.  Hard.  I'm going to sue.

I wasn't going to post this, but Sidnei convinced me to do it, so I
just wanted to thank her for her patience with my wackiness!

:)Lilac

Disclaimer:  Sailor Moon is not mine.  I borrow Mamo-chan
Thursdays-Sundays, though.  I'm willing to lend him out on special
occassions, too.  He makes a fab gift jumping out of a cake...Cake
Mamo-chan!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

For Want of Sleep
by
Lilac Summers


Part 1

  She stood quietly by her solitary bed, outlined by the moonlight
streaming through the open windows.  A wayward breeze whistled into the
bedroom, rustling her long hair and the curtains into undulating waves.
Another minute ticked by.

  "Usagi-chan?"  Luna's sleepy voice cut through the darkness.
"Usagi-chan, why are you still up?"  The cat's eyes focused sharply in
the night and studied the still figure of her mistress.

  Usagi did not turn around, the echoes in her head occupying her
entire attention.  The red haze was lifting and someone--no, *something*--
was being born.  The scream bubbled up in her throat and caught there, so
for a moment she wondered if she would choke on it and die right where
she stood.

  She swallowed with difficulty.  Another minute ticked by.

  "Usagi-chan?" repeated Luna, uncoiling her body from its comfortable
position on a pillow.

  A discordant note in the cat's voice cut through the echoes.  Perhaps
it was the warm concern that jerked her out of her mind, breathing heavily
as if she had just run into the room.  "Luna.  I didn't mean to wake you."

  Luna frowned at the sudden breathless quality in Usagi's voice and,
for some odd reason, was afraid.  "Why are you still up, I asked."

  Usagi clutched a pink-on-white curtain tightly, feeling the roughness
of the cotton bite into her skin.  Slowly she forced her fingers to
relax, one by one.  With the stiffness of the aged or sickly, she
lowered herself to her bed, resting her head in her hands.

  "I'm tired, Luna.  Tired . . ."

  "Then perhaps you should go to sleep," the cat pointed out, a little
confused and feeling out of depth.

  Usagi nodded, sliding under the pink sheets and closing her eyes,
regulating her breathing until it was deep and peaceful.

  Luna looked over her young mistress a few more minutes.  The odd
mixture of fear and concern she had felt seemed to evaporate, and she
settled down once more on her cushion.  In another second, the cat was
slumbering deeply.

  Usagi opened her eyes and looked down at the dark shadow of her cat,
certain that she was resting quietly once more.  She slid out of bed
and resumed her vigil by the window.

  And yet another minute passed.

**** **** **** **** **** ****  ****   ****   ****  ****  ****  ****


  The day dawned cold, bitterly so.  Usagi looked out her window at the
sharp lines of color streaking the sky, wondering at how the world
could resume such normality when just a few days ago . . . just a few
days ago it was all going to hell.  She should know; she had been smack
in the middle of it.

  Luna was gone, off early for a morning jaunt, no doubt, and Usagi had
once more feigned sleep for her benefit.  She did not want her loyal
cat to worry about her.  She did not want anyone to worry about her.  It
was enough that she had witnessed terror; there was no need to share the
view with them.  Let them keep their innocence.

  She may have stood like that for many hours more were it not for the
patter of anxious small feet that stumbled abruptly to a halt when they
reached her door.  Usagi composed her face into its usual cheerful
lines and turned to greet the little girl.

  "Hi, Chibi-Usa.  What are you doing up?"

  Chibi-Usa seemed more than a little surprised to see the older girl
up so early, herself.  Digging one diminutive bare toe into the carpet,
she pulled self-consciously on the material of her pajamas.  "Er . . . I
thought you would be asleep, Usagi-chan.  I was just coming to see if
. . . well, if you were doing okay. . .  I guess."

  Usagi had the most horrible urge to collapse into tears and scream
at the world that no, she was not all right!  She would
never be all right.  And maybe a month ago she would have done just
that, and have been just fine.  Today the signature wailing rose in her
throat like a wave before she forced it back, suffocating.

  "Oh, sure."  She feigned a sickly laugh and strove to do something
Usagi-like.  For a moment she wondered where Usagi had gone, but then
found a piece of her floating somewhere in the darkness and pulled it
on, like a piece of worn clothing.   Suddenly the laughter was brighter,
truer somehow.

  She smiled widely at the child and giggled softly.  "Sure! You know
me, squirt.  I always bounce right back up."  Tentatively, feeling the
guilt trying to rip away that hard-won piece of genuineness, she looked
up at the kid and asked softly, "How are you doing?  Are . . . are you
okay about the Hotaru thing?"  She bit her lip, awaiting a response.

  Chibi-Usa's eyes sparkled with wetness, but she held back and smiled
winningly at the woman . . . girl, actually . . . in front of her.  No
matter that this girl was her mother, she did not want to add more
worries to those sad blue eyes, those eyes that should be happy.  "I'm
fine.  I know it turned out the way it had to.  I'll see her again,
someday." She scampered off before she could see the darkness wash over
her mother.

  Usagi crumbled under the pressure of the pain, the sheer immense
weight of responsibility and remorse that settled on her.  With no more
audience she was able to let it wash over her and settle into the
unfamiliar grooves it cut into her bones.

  Hotaru.  She had not been good enough to save her.  She had gone in
there with a young girl that radiated strength, and come out with a
nameless baby in her arms.  She had failed her, and along with her she
had failed her daughter.

  Usagi curled up on her bed and stared out her window once more.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  "She isn't eating," announced Chibi-Usa that afternoon to a group of
worried girls and a dangerously remote Mamoru.  "She came down to
breakfast, and she sat there and smiled at all of us, but she didn't
touch a thing.  She didn't even say anything when I took the last cookie."

  The Inner Senshi, composed of Rei, Ami, Minako, and Makoto,
immediately began a heated discussion of the situation.  They alternately
took turns casting glances at the brooding man who stood in the corner and
the little girl who clutched his hand worriedly.  The Outer Senshi, or
what was left of them after Pluto returned to her gate and Hotaru . .
.left. . . looked on with scorn.

  "So the girl finally decided to cut down on her awful eating habits.
Big deal."  Haruka looked on at the group of young girls with disgust.
Much ado about nothing, in her opinion.  Michiru remained silent,
turning her mirror around and around in her slim, pale hands.

  The room became deathly still as all eyes turned to Haruka.  The
Inners seemed to be shocked motionless, as if none of them knew how to
react to such a cold comment.  It wasn't till a deep, feral noise from
the corner exploded into the silence that they broke free.

  Mamoru didn't know what it was.  He just knew that he had this
feeling. . . this distressing feeling. . . and Haruka had just insulted
his...his heart, his *life*.  In a second he was on her, one large hand
holding her up by the lapels of her white shirt so her feet barely grazed
the ground.  For all of her famed reflexes, Haruka could only gape
and claw at his hand.

  "Shut up.  Just shut up, you ungrateful *fool*.  You know nothing!
NOTHING!  She saved your worthless life down there . . . she saved us
all! AGAIN!!  And if you . . . if you . . ." He faltered, his throat
suddenly closing up.  Haruka may have been fearful at the display of
violence, but she was absolutely horrified when she saw the tears build
up in his darkened eyes.

  Minako softly stepped up to the trembling Mamoru, gently grasping
his arm and whispering something in his ear.  Mamoru clenched his eyes
shut, a muscle ticking erratically in his jaw, before looking over his
shoulder at a wide-eyed Chibi-Usa.  Slowly and gently he set Haruka down.
Then he turned on his heel, swept Chibi-Usa into his arms, and walked out.

  Just as silently, the other girls filed out behind him, casting
outraged glances at the older girls who stayed behind.

  When only they were left in the room, Michiru looked over at Haruka.
"Haruka, sometimes you can be really stupid."

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

  Usagi took a deep breath, staring at the Crown Fruit Parlor as if she
stood before a lion's den.  She reasoned that she would have to face
them all, sooner or later.  They had their own stories to tell, their own
facts to work out.  And she would not, under any circumstance, trivialize
their experiences.

  With measured steps she entered, automatically walking towards the
corner booth.  Six pairs of eyes greeted her.  Usagi winced under the
scrutiny, hoping the concealer she'd applied so meticulously that
morning would cover the dark circles beneath her eyes.

  "Hi, everyone!"  Beaming, she slid into her usual place beside
Mamoru. Rei, Minako, Makoto, and Ami faced her across the table,
while Chibi-Usa slurped happily on a milkshake on Mamoru's opposite
side.  With practiced ease, Mamo-chan slid an arm around her shoulders.
Usagi could not help it; she jumped.

  Mamoru drew back, startled.  "Usako?  Wha . . ."

  Usagi cursed her stupidity under her breath, and covered by grinning
up at him lightly.  "Nothing, Mamo-chan.  Just a chill."

  He nodded casually, though his hand clenched at his side. She wanted
to take those warm hands into her own and uncurl each finger, a lover
soothing her beloved.  But he had always been able to read her so
easily, through her eyes, her voice, her touch.  What would he read this
time, she wondered silently, if she allowed herself the pleasure of his
comfort?  What would he feel, writhing just below the surface?

  When he raised his arm again, slowly in a bid not to startle her, she
forced herself still, fighting between the urge to burrow closer or
pull away.

  "Usagi-chan, would you like a milkshake?  My treat!"  Makoto,
surveying the frightening thinness of her friend, looked at Usagi
hopefully.

  "Sure.  Thanks."

  The girls seemed to breathe an audible sigh of relief as Ami
enthusiastically motioned to a passing waitress, afraid that Usagi
would have a change of heart.  Within a minute a huge chocolate milkshake
was placed in front of Usagi.  She took a big gulp for the benefit of her
worried friends, feeling the cold concoction settle like a lead lump in
the pit of her stomach.

  "So," she began, twiddling the straw between her fingertips, "what
are you all talking about?"

  "Nothing.  Just chatting until you showed up," lied Minako, unwilling
to tell Usagi that she had been the subject of conversation until the
moment she walked through the door.  "But now that you're here, we can
get general impressions of the whole battle, figure out what the heck
happened."

  On cue, Ami whipped out the blue palm-top she always carried along
with her, disguised as a slim compact.  She flipped it open and began
to summarize the general information she had already entered in.

  "Okay, so I've entered the various positions we were all in.  Sailor
Moon, Uranus, Neptune, and Mistress Nine were inside the building, we
Inners were outside trying to keep the daemons from spreading, and Mamoru
was home with Chibi-Usa keeping her alive after Mistress Nine stole her
pure heart.  Let's go on from there."

  Usagi blanched, wondering frantically how to get around this.  She
did not, *could* not, talk about it.  Not now, and maybe not ever.  She
could see no way around this conversation though, and did not wish to keep
the other girls from sharing.  If they had suffered even a fraction of
what she had seen, then their burdens would be easier to carry if shared
with each other.   Her job was to make sure her own burden was not added
to theirs.

  "I'll go!  Let's begin when we were split up.  Let's see . . . okay,
so we all were fighting off that great mass of *goo* that was attacking
us," began Makoto.

  "Urgh, that was definitely gross," piped in Minako.

  "Totally!  So we're putting up a fight, and then that hand reaches
out of nowhere and plucks Sailor Moon right up and through some
dimensional hole.  Then we are totally outnumbered, and this huge blob
of gunk starts overtaking the building, right?  We decided to put up a
kind of wall to keep the stuff from getting out into the city."

  "It was just so nasty!" Rei, lost in the memory, took over.  "We were
kneeling, each at one corner of the block, and we thought we
were holding our own.  Suddenly it was like some lid exploded, and
there was no holding them back . . ."  She smoothed shaky fingers
through her dark hair, laughing hollowly when she noticed the silence
that  had fallen over the table. "Just glad it's over."

  Ami reached over and patted Rei's arm.  "It was very disturbing," she
agreed quietly.  "I doubt any of us will forget it soon, but you should
remember that it only tightened our bond.  We fought as a team, and
that's what mattered."

  Usagi watched them from her side of the table, wishing more than
anything that she had thought of any excuse to skip this little
get-together.  She remember very well when the "lid exploded."  It was
the moment when Pharaoh 90 had broken free, all because she had given
Mistress 9 the Chalice.  Once again, she was responsible for her
friend's suffering.  Just another boulder to add to the mountain of
guilt she already carried.

  "Anyway," Minako was saying, "tell us what happened when that arm
grabbed you, Usagi-chan."  Minako turned vibrant blue eyes on Usagi and
Usagi shrank back a fraction.  Just how much could she tell?  How much was
enough to give them the information that they needed, yet keep the evil
from reaching them?

  "Well . . . I found myself in this room with Hotaru.  She . . . she
seemed so *normal*, y'know?  She wanted to know how Chibi-Usa was . . ."
Usagi swallowed harshly, remembering the acrid taste of fear in her
mouth, knowing that Chibi-Usa's life hung in the balance, how she had to
fight against time, weigh the worth of one innocent girl against the
worth of her daughter and the rest of the world.

  "I-I almost gave her the Holy Chalice, but then she changed into what
she'd really become.  Mistress 9.  Uranus and Neptune showed up, along
with Doctor Tomoe, and then it was all about keeping them from killing
Mistress 9, along with Hotaru's body."

  Usagi could still see it if she just let her guard down.  She could
see Hotaru, in the guise of Mistress 9, trying to break free.  She could
still hear Doctor Tomoe's pathetically broken voice, begging her to save
his daughter, warring with the outraged screams of Uranus and Neptune as
they ordered her to kill the woman before she unleashed Pharaoh 90.

  She reached for her milkshake, then drew back her hand hastily when
she noticed how much it shook.

  "Anyway, somewhere along the line Mistress 9 got a hold of the
chalice, opened up the pathway for Pharaoh 90, and that's when Sailor
Saturn appeared.  She regained control of her body and took off into the
mass of, of evil I guess it was, and I followed her in.  I really can't
remember much more."  Although she could remember, every detail.

  She turned nervously to find Mamo-chan looking at her with eyes that
saw too much.  There was a light in them that she feared resembled
recognition, and . . . understanding.  She prayed fervently she was
mistaken.  Nonetheless, she was unnerved.

  "Er, well, I hope that was helpful, Ami-chan.  I-I gotta go."  She
gave no excuse because, quite simply, she had none.  She simply wanted
to get away.  It *hurt* to see their faces, worried and questioning,
knowing  she could never, ever tell them the truth.  Not at the cost of
their sanity.

  So she merely bolted, leaving Mamoru's arm to drop sharply from her
shoulders.  Usagi felt the contrast of his warmth and the cold air
all the more harshly.

  Mamoru felt a wrenching somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.  If
only he could put his finger on what it was that felt so *wrong*, and
why he felt his Usako meticulously building an invisible wall between
them.  The part of him that was connected to her, usually the most
vital and pure spot in his heart, felt leaden and dry.  She was pulling
away, subtly keeping herself from him in the hopes that he didn't notice.

  As if he wouldn't notice if someone hacked away some vital organ.  As
if he could keep on living.

 He was terrified.

  "She looks a little thin, but she seemed as happy as always," Makoto
was saying.

  "No, I think she looks a bit strained.  Like if she's trying so hard
at. . . at, I don't know."  Ami snapped her computer shut and rested
her forehead against the cool metal.  "I just don't know."

  "Well, if anyone has a right to be strained, it's Usagi-chan!  She
was no doubt playing down whatever experience she went through.  Don't
you guys remember that blank look in her eyes when she appeared with
chibi-Hotaru?  Someone like Usagi should never have to look like that,"
murmured Minako.

  "I got no evil vibes from her.  There is nothing *wrong*, in the
psychic sense, with her.  When I tried to probe deeper I was just shut
out.  Not abruptly . . . more like she was gently closing a door in my
face."  Rei drummed her fingers restlessly on the table top.  "I didn't
even know she could do that.  Mamoru-san, what do you think?"

  He leaned back, closing his eyes in distress.  The girls were
slightly embarrassed to witness such naked pain on his face, such
desperate sadness.  "I don't know. She's locking me out.  It hurts here,"
he whispered, pounding his fist lightly against his chest.

  Stunned silence settled around the table.  Chibi-Usa surveyed the
preoccupied faces of the adults around her and felt a chill go straight
down to her small shoes.  She sidled closer to her father and he
gathered her tightly, almost painfully so, to his side.  She winced,
but said nothing.

  "Hey guys, at least she ate!" pointed out Minako with forced
cheerfulness.

  They all turned to look at the spot Usagi had vacated.  "Yeah,"
Makoto began, "at least she--"

  They stopped, staring at the melting, full milkshake, the straw
shredded limply at its side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued...

Expect the Mamo/Usa action to start in earnest next part!
Tell me what you guys think!

salaices@leland.stanford.edu